It's All or Nothing
by Scifiroots
Summary: Starbuck’s taking care of Boxey for the night as Apollo’s off on a date as can be expected, he reflects on his feelings. Ahk, my summary is worse than usual. sigh


It's All or Nothing

**Author**: Clarity Scifiroots  
**Notes**: For indeliblefancy's unrequited love request. This is a Starbuck/Apollo (of Battlestar Galactica TOS) response.  
**Regular disclaimers apply, I'm making no moolah here, in fact I spend it as I participate in fandoms. Title is a line from the Counting Crows song "Anna Begins."  
Summary**: Starbuck's taking care of Boxey for the night as Apollo's off on a date; as can be expected, he reflects on his feelings. (Ahk, my summary is worse than usual. sigh)

_"Oh," she says, "you're changing."  
But we're always changing_  
"Anna Begins" Counting Crows

"Starbuck! I didn't expect to see you…" Cassiopeia let her words trail off. Her smile was confused, her manner flustered as she played with the lacy cuffs of her blouse. She glanced briefly around the Rejuvenation center with anxious eyes before returning her gaze to Starbuck. Her smile eased and she managed to ask in a calm voice, "How are you?"

"I'm fine, Cass. I hope that look a moment ago was because your man's jealous," the slight tease held a touch of hurt.

"I'm sorry. It wasn't you." Cassiopeia hesitated. She offered a tentative embrace and then stepped away so that a notable, but still friendly, distance lay between them. "I really was just surprised. I would have expected there was a game just begging for you attention on the Rising Star."

Starbuck winked. "Don't think there wasn't." He grinned and offered her a mock bow. "But, alas, my plans were fouled by the punishment of accompanying Boxey!"

"Hi Cassie!" Boxey jumped between them, making his presence known. He spared a glare at Starbuck and huffed in indignation at the words he'd overheard, but the twinkle in his eyes belayed his understanding of a long-running joke.

"My, my. You, my dear young man, are growing taller by the day!" Cassie had to resist the urge to ruffle the eight-yahren-old child's mop of a haircut. Her eyes caught movement by the door. "There's my date. Have fun, boys. Boxey, don't wear Starbuck out!"

"But he deserves it!" Boxey deadpanned.

"Hey!" Starbuck exclaimed. He nodded to Cassie. "Have a good time."

Cassiopeia paused, her smile tightening for a moment. "You're changing, Starbuck," she murmured before she walked off.

"I'm not hungry yet, are you? Can we play the games for a while before dinner?"

"Sure, kid. You gotta keep your practice up so you can keep beating your auntie, right?"

Boxey beamed, "Right!"

"And after that we're going to continue your pyramid lessons."

"Dad says I shouldn't play that game," Boxey said solemnly.

Starbuck looked around, then leaned down conspiratorially to whisper, "We'll just have to hide it from him." Boxey nodded sagely.

"You, my buddy, get the best spot right up top. I'll have to lift ya, but you better help me out." Starbuck ran a calculating eye over Boxey and then the bunk bed awaiting its occupant.

Boxey was dressed in plain blue pajamas with an embroidered insignia of a Colonial warrior on his left shoulder. His bare feet curled on top of the short carpeting. Usually Boomer and Starbuck shared the room reserved for senior officers—there were beds enough for three. Boxey would be sleeping on the top bunk that was Boomer's. Underneath the bed was a small desk with a small light to brighten the darkened space. Little more than a metron away rested the set of bunks; Starbuck usually took the bottom.

Boomer was enjoying Blue Squadron's leave on the Rising Star. He had avoided Starbuck's usual prodding to offer some cubits to the newest big game for some time, saving up for a 'special night, which was part of the reason Boxey had been passed into Starbuck's care for the evening. With Athena accompanying Boomer, Auntie wasn't exactly available for kid-sitting.

"I'm not tired," Boxey protested. He crossed his arms and raised his chin stubbornly. He didn't pout, instead he managed to pull off an amazingly good imitation of Apollo's most withering glare. If the kid didn't look so damn cute, it would have been more effective.

All in due time, Starbuck mused. "C'mon, give me a break. I'm not _that_ much of a stickler for rules." He huffed indignantly. "I thought you knew me better!"

Boxey smiled, knowing that he had at least partially won. "Let me get the good adult feldergarb out of the way first." He straightened up and Boxey imitated him. "Alright then, young man, did you clean your teeth?"

"Yessir!"

"Combed your hair?"

"Yessir!"

"Used the turboflush?"

"Yessir!"

"Set your clothes out for tomorrow?"

"Yessir!"

"I think you passed for tonight. Now let's get you up top and we can get down to business." Starbuck opened his arms for Boxey to cling to. "All right, on the count of three, you push up and we'll get you up."

"I can just climb, Uncle Starbuck."

"That's far too conventional. Okay. One, two… three!"

With an exaggerated groan, Starbuck lifted Boxey up onto the top bunk. "Whew! I don't know if I have the strength left to get up myself."

Boxey looked at him skeptically. "Have you stopped exercising?"

"Hey, only _I'm_ allowed to beat on me, kid. I'm not _that_ old. Eh, but a little help never hurts." Starbuck winked and proceeded to use the desk beneath the bunk as a step up.

Once Starbuck and Boxey had settled themselves against the wall, Starbuck lowered the lights and slung an arm around Boxey's shoulders. "So, what's tonight, kiddo?"

Boxey snuggled comfortably up to Starbuck's side, falling back into more childlike responses as the blanket offered security from a world where people were judged on presentation of oneself. After a few moments, Boxey said quietly, "What did you do when you were my age?"

Hiding a sigh, Starbuck absently stroked Boxey's hair. "Kiddo, you know I wasn't in the best of situations. That's not the sort of thing I want to tell you about."

"Fine, then tell me when you got happy."

Starbuck smiled at the boy's determination. "Okay, if you insist." He cleared his throat for the transition into story-teller mode. "Once upon a time there was a boy with just the right amount of luck to have a very determined guardian. This guardian refused to keep quiet until the government allowed the boy into the Colonial Base Academy on Caprica…"

Starbuck lay on his bunk in the realm between waking and dreaming, unable to fully relax in case Boxey needed him—because of nightmares, sickness, or whatever else parents had to get up for in the middle of the night. It was rather ironic that while Starbuck found himself longing for a family of his own—where he would have to care for his own child, maybe get Boxey to baby-sit—he stayed off the dating scene. Over a sectar ago he and Cassiopeia had decided to end their undeclared, but clearly obvious, relationship. The public eye had seen only the good things during their yahren-long relationship, but in private the two had begun to drift away from romance. For sectars their dinner dates were full of honest conversation with the minimum of flirtation. The nights spent in one another's company decreased, and it became clear that both of their interests had moved elsewhere.

Their parting had been rather painless and not difficult to adjust to. What had eventually become uncomfortable for Cassiopeia had been the suspicion that she had been merely a substitute to Starbuck. That conversation had taken long centars one evening a few cycles before. After struggling to overcome well-worn masks and barriers, Starbuck had been open enough to be able to work out his emotions with Cassie. She had been an amazing help; she was very much the devoted friend. But there was an intensity that she had glimpsed in Starbuck that unnerved her.

Starbuck twisted onto his side in another attempt to get comfortable and fall asleep. He couldn't. His eyes opened, but the room was completely black. The quarters for the single, senior officers were located in the central section of the Battlestar and didn't have any portals. Boxey's room didn't have a portal, either, although Apollo's sitting area provided a nice view of the stars beyond the ship's hull.

Thinking of Apollo hadn't been something he really meant to do, but his wandering thoughts paid no regard to his discomfort. He shifted, shrugging his blanket up farther like a protective barrier. Boxey was staying with Starbuck because Apollo had a date. Not just any date, a pretty serious, romantic, and public date. And it wasn't the first one of its kind. That was what was getting to Starbuck. Given, his disapproval of Apollo's forming relationship with Sheba did go beyond selfish reasons.

Starbuck told himself that if Apollo really was happy with what was going on he'd back down. He was man enough to back away and allow Apollo room to reach out. He had learned the hard way, he supposed, that he couldn't be the center of Apollo's world. The Destruction had led to all too many incidences where it had been proven that Starbuck wasn't enough. He admitted how poorly he had handled the situation with Serina, although he still could not bring himself to be regretful. Serina hadn't been right for Apollo, their Sealing had been rushed and not well-thought out. But maybe…well, he could forgive it because of Boxey. Maybe that had been what had been on their minds—Boxey first, relationship second. Maybe.

But with Sheba, there wasn't a kid. Oh no, with Sheba came a whole boatload of other things; the sort of things Starbuck definitely didn't think were reasonable justifications for Apollo to Seal without really loving her. Despite his early suspicions that Apollo felt something for Cain's daughter, Starbuck hadn't seen any evidence of love in his friend's expression. There was no light in those green eyes, no uncontrollable smile whenever he spotted Sheba across the room, and never any discussion of what a great time he had had with her without prompting. Apollo wasn't in love—Starbuck _had_ seen it happen before, and this wasn't it. This progressing dating progress was likely out of some warped sense of commitment.

Really, Starbuck cared for his friend dearly. In fact, truly, deeply, loved him. But sometimes Apollo was far too much of a martyr. If Apollo didn't shape up and come clean in regards to his feelings, a whole heck of a lot of people were going to get hurt. Starbuck had been waiting for Boomer to notice and to bring the subject up with Apollo. Either Boomer was too smitten Athena to notice or he just didn't think things were serious enough to worry because he'd been nothing but grins and nods after prodding Apollo to share the latest dating events. Strange, Starbuck realized, that no one had commented on his lack of participation in such a topic.

He rolled onto his back and folded his arms behind his head. In any case, he really needed to talk with Apollo. He didn't want his friends getting hurt or Boxey getting false hopes up. Apollo deserved—_needed_—to be happy. Was it so wrong to believe that Sheba wasn't the one who would make him happy? Starbuck winced, wondering if the jealous part of him had more control than he thought. He fought against that thought and pushed away those doubts, something he did every day.

He focused on his friendship with Apollo, denying his other emotions power over him. Those other feelings—the complicated feelings—had laid tangled, unspoken and hidden deep beyond anyone's—even Starbuck's—ability to explore for a long time. It wasn't so very hard to push them back, now. It was making those feelings stay away, in the background, that was difficult. Somehow he managed, though, and somehow he would continue to do so. He had known Apollo for a long time, and they were friends. That was it. That was all it ever could or would be.

Absently Starbuck wondered when his emotions had evolved. He couldn't pinpoint one moment in time, couldn't even think of a specific event. All he knew was that his heart didn't ache nearly as much as it did when Apollo was concerned. Boomer was his best friend, too, but he never felt so much for him.

He wasn't holding back for fear of rejection—or so he told himself—or because of some fear of who he was or because he feared disapproval. At least those latter two things were true. Starbuck had long been free and flexible with his sexuality. Although the ancient pseudoscientific argument that homosexuality was "unnatural" had been disproved (admittedly it was a little weird to think of animals having sex for more than just reproduction, but hey, proof of open sexuality in nature) there were still a lot of people who were uncomfortable and disapproved of same-sex couples (and couplings); but Apollo, Starbuck knew, was not one of those people. Neither was Boomer. Actually, one of the interesting things that rather defied history was the fact that the Colonial military was one of the first institutions to announce its full support of any couple—regardless of gender specifics—in its military ranks. Starbuck remembered hearing from some history wiz back in his academy days about a theory that relationships between warriors bonded them together and actually could really help out with making sure a team stayed together and fought for one another.

So Starbuck wholeheartedly had enjoyed flings with both sexes over the years, usually favoring the women, but was not unused to the occasional longer relationship with a male lover. But not Apollo. Apollo was very reserved in the dating arena. He wasn't the type to enjoy brief affairs with people he didn't first get to know. Starbuck suspected that some of that had to do with Apollo's natural reflex to overanalyze himself and ask grueling questions about his intentions. Starbuck had suffered along with Apollo through a very dramatic and emotional relationship with a young woman with a brilliant mind but incredible, unpredictable mood swings. It had taken a lot of work to rebuild Apollo's courage enough so that he could again reach out to people—even in friendship. But that was a woman. Apollo had only ever shown interest in women. He'd never made a comment to suggest he enjoyed another man's body or was interested in a little experimental sex. Starbuck would have known. Yeah, they had their secrets from one another, but they still knew one another inside out.

Or, at least, close enough.

A smile briefly graced Starbuck's lips as he closed his eyes. His chest ached with bittersweet pain as his thoughts slowed to a stop. Despite their sometimes almost telepathic communications, Apollo hadn't caught him on his feelings for Cassie and had yet—if ever—to recognize the depth of Starbuck's love for him. But maybe, like Apollo's fateful Sealing with Serina, it was better this way.

Someone once said that "all things happen for a reason," perhaps his silence served some greater purpose. He could only hope; it hurt too much to be without reason.

**Fin**


End file.
